I can vividly remember watching an OxiClean infomercial as a
middle schooler and the guy with the big black beard announcing that you had to
be eighteen years or older to call and order. I remember thinking how old that
sounded..EIGHTEEN. Wow! I would have a car, I would be in college, I would be
grown. Then I got to eighteen and fantasized about being twenty one. The
ability to legally order a cocktail just blew my mind. That will be me one day. Then came college and independence and I couldn’t
stop picturing my life when I would be in the “real world”. I would have a
career as a teacher, probably be married with 2.5 kids in a cute house with a
white picket fence. Fast forward to today, twenty six years along, and the life
I once envisioned for myself is a far cry from reality (although I got really
good at ordering cocktails). You know that saying “If you want to make God
laugh, tell Him your plans.” God’s been laughing at me for years.
The truth is: my twenties have proved to be a lot more
challenging than I ever expected them to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed
beyond measure. I have the most amazing family, girlfriends that I consider to
be soulmates, a company I am proud to work for and smart coworkers who keep me
on my toes. I am healthy with a roof over my head and have never even sort of
come close to missing a meal. But navigating my twenties has been an
unexpectedly bumpy ride.
About a year ago, I
was pinning my dream wedding and doodling a last name that would never be mine.
I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I put all of my eggs in one basket
because it was something I believed in wholeheartedly. When the relationship
ended, I felt completely blindsided. The rejection of losing someone you
thought would forever be in your life was hard, but that wasn’t the hardest
part. More importantly, I had lost sight of my own vision and plan for my life.
It left me insecure and unsure of who I was as an individual and what I wanted
for myself and my future. Questions like “What do I want to do with my life?”
and “What is my life purpose?” plagued me. I felt lost.
Let me just pause and say that I don’t think we ever really
“find ourselves”. I think that life is an evolution of experiences that help
shape and mold who we are. I am not the same person today as I was a year ago
and will be a year from now.
So I filled my time with everything that I possibly could.
Considering I was a professional bridesmaid that part was easy. I was
temporarily fulfilled by endless parties, showers, ceremonies, and
celebrations. I downloaded every dating app known to man. I spent every weekend
visiting someone or someplace new. I spent long hours at the office. I binge
watched Netflix like it was my job. I made some of the best memories of my life.
But I was searching for purpose through other people and things. It was not
until more recently, when it all slowed down, that my life has come into
clearer focus. I realized that by spending all this time investing into others,
I wasn’t taking the time to invest in myself. I wasn’t even truly single
because my mind was always occupied with searching for more.
We all face these questions about our lives at one point or
another. For me, it was the loss of a relationship that triggered this internal
battle, but I have only gained from the experience. It has challenged me and
changed me in unexpected ways. Today’s reality is not what my twenty one year
old self envisioned..hell, it’s not even what my twenty five year old self
envisioned. But I am so excited to see what’s in store next.
So here’s to knowing that the plans we make for ourselves in
our twenties, thirties or eighties may not play out as expected. And that’s
beautiful, because it will end up being better than we could have ever imagined.
