The Truth About My Twenties

I can vividly remember watching an OxiClean infomercial as a middle schooler and the guy with the big black beard announcing that you had to be eighteen years or older to call and order. I remember thinking how old that sounded..EIGHTEEN. Wow! I would have a car, I would be in college, I would be grown. Then I got to eighteen and fantasized about being twenty one. The ability to legally order a cocktail just blew my mind. That will be me one day. Then came college and independence and I couldn’t stop picturing my life when I would be in the “real world”. I would have a career as a teacher, probably be married with 2.5 kids in a cute house with a white picket fence. Fast forward to today, twenty six years along, and the life I once envisioned for myself is a far cry from reality (although I got really good at ordering cocktails). You know that saying “If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.” God’s been laughing at me for years.

The truth is: my twenties have proved to be a lot more challenging than I ever expected them to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed beyond measure. I have the most amazing family, girlfriends that I consider to be soulmates, a company I am proud to work for and smart coworkers who keep me on my toes. I am healthy with a roof over my head and have never even sort of come close to missing a meal. But navigating my twenties has been an unexpectedly bumpy ride.

About a year ago, I was pinning my dream wedding and doodling a last name that would never be mine. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I put all of my eggs in one basket because it was something I believed in wholeheartedly. When the relationship ended, I felt completely blindsided. The rejection of losing someone you thought would forever be in your life was hard, but that wasn’t the hardest part. More importantly, I had lost sight of my own vision and plan for my life. It left me insecure and unsure of who I was as an individual and what I wanted for myself and my future. Questions like “What do I want to do with my life?” and “What is my life purpose?” plagued me.  I felt lost.

Let me just pause and say that I don’t think we ever really “find ourselves”. I think that life is an evolution of experiences that help shape and mold who we are. I am not the same person today as I was a year ago and will be a year from now.

So I filled my time with everything that I possibly could. Considering I was a professional bridesmaid that part was easy. I was temporarily fulfilled by endless parties, showers, ceremonies, and celebrations. I downloaded every dating app known to man. I spent every weekend visiting someone or someplace new. I spent long hours at the office. I binge watched Netflix like it was my job. I made some of the best memories of my life. But I was searching for purpose through other people and things. It was not until more recently, when it all slowed down, that my life has come into clearer focus. I realized that by spending all this time investing into others, I wasn’t taking the time to invest in myself. I wasn’t even truly single because my mind was always occupied with searching for more.

We all face these questions about our lives at one point or another. For me, it was the loss of a relationship that triggered this internal battle, but I have only gained from the experience. It has challenged me and changed me in unexpected ways. Today’s reality is not what my twenty one year old self envisioned..hell, it’s not even what my twenty five year old self envisioned. But I am so excited to see what’s in store next.

So here’s to knowing that the plans we make for ourselves in our twenties, thirties or eighties may not play out as expected. And that’s beautiful, because it will end up being better than we could have ever imagined.    

The Reason for the Season

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! There is truly nothing better than the smell of a Christmas tree, the tune of holiday cheer, and the buzz around the city with everyone getting merry and bright. I love this time of year for so many very special reasons. It’s an especially important time in our household because it marks the birth of three of the most important men in my life: my brother, John Patrick, my boyfriend, Jared and my Savior, Jesus Christ. This season like many others, I have found myself bustling about trying to get everything that I need to done, find the perfect presents wrapped in the most perfect Pinterested bows, show everyone how much I love them through a thoughtful gift, the list goes on and on. I realized that I have been taking such good care of my loved ones and preparations for a beautiful Christmas while forgetting what this season is truly all about. The latter birthday boy: Jesus Christ. I feel conflicted to post something on social media that exposes my faith, but at the same time know that others out there may connect with where I am in my journey with God.

To my dismay, Sunday school was a requirement in our household growing up. I specifically remember throwing a tantrum on the floor of White Memorial Church, my parents each picking me up by an arm and dragging me into my Sunday school class. As the years grew, we moved churches and I was excited to socialize at my Sunday night youth group for all the wrong reasons. My older brother Stephen, aka "Raff", was very active at church, led the worship band, and was rooted in his faith. He was fascinating to me. I knew God and I felt his presence, yet never fully understood what the big deal was. On a mission trip in middle school, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I had a powerful moment with Christ and became a true believer. I remember being on a spiritual high.

Since that day, my relationship with Christ has been flakey – on my part, not His. In high school and college, I was more interested in boys and clothes than bible study and prayer. I spent most Sundays nursing a hangover rather than getting it together and making it to church. But through it all, I knew there was a Higher Power that I went to when I needed to seek comfort from worldly pain. I found myself seeking Christ in my lower moments, and in my darkest times. I didn’t give him the credit He deserved through all of the highs in my happy, wonderful moments.

There have been times in my life when I have been very active in my faith. I talk to God every day and I thank Him for my blessings. I praise Him to the best of my ability and talk to others about Him. I read His word, and I make it to church.

I am still on the journey to be a better Christian, to seek God in my every day life and not just during the holiday season. I am a sinner, deeply flawed with insecurities, fears and anxieties. I make mistakes and I put myself first. I am human. But I know that I was made in His image and that He made me to give me purpose, hope and a future. In 2015, I hope to work on my relationship with Christ and put my dreams, my plans, my life, in His hands. I realize and understand that we all have different journeys in our faith. It comes so easy to some, and so much more difficult to others. I know that for the rest of my life there will be ups and downs in all of my relationships, including the one I have with God. No matter where we stand in our relationships with God, I hope that we each take a moment to reflect on our blessings, be thankful for what we have, and look forward to the future with hope. Jesus is the true reason for the season!

Also, my sweet mom, Martha Rafferty shared the below sentiments to her Facebook page. I thought it was too good not to share.

Happy holidays from the Rafferty family!! 20 years have come and gone but in my heart my children still look just like this. Yes the smocking was replaced by Hollister and Abercrombie and has now been traded in for business suits and J Crew sweaters. We've added a daughter in law and graduated all three from college. Frantic trips to Toys R Us and baking cookies for Santa are a thing of the past (until the grandchildren come along ???) Now I just type in a credit card number and bring the (very small but always expensive) packages in from the front porch. Those little angels were always snug in their beds on Christmas Eve. This year it's a scheduling feat to have them all arrive on Christmas morning! The once fragrant evergreen boughs are artificial now but still loaded with the handmade preschool ornaments I can't bring myself to throw out. Our holiday traditions have changed and evolved to suit a growing family, but the reason for the season has not. We have been blessed beyond measure in our lives, and Christmas is a time of gratitude. And so we are thankful. For these three who have grown into happy, successful adults. For our home, for our friends and family, and for the opportunity to give to those less fortunate. And for the freedom to worship and give thanks to our Lord and Savior, whose birth we celebrate with great joy. Merry Christmas All.

#nofilter

One scroll through my newsfeed and I am exhausted. I think I am friends with world’s most perfect human beings. I am confident in who I am, but I instantly start to compare my life: my clothes, my vacations, my body, my job, my family, my relationship…Ladies, does anyone feel me?

As women we have so much pressure to have it all, do it all and be all…to everyone and everything. I get so easily overwhelmed with trying to have everything, be great at everything I do, and look good doing it. Society wants us to be independent, but not a pushy bitch.  Be confident, but not conceited. Be humble, but not a door mat. Be curvy and skinny and athletic all at the same time. Have a healthy tan, but don’t go in the sun. Take care of the household chores and the children, but make sure you are financially independent. Be “one of the guys”- love football and nachos, but remain a size 2. Be beautiful, but all-natural. Be creative, but not outside-the-box.

It’s exhausting, contradicting, and impossible. As women today our self confidence is built on the number of people who like our Instagram posts rather than our actions and character. We compare our lives to other people through filtered pictures of one moment in time. Who is going to showcase anything other than a hot boyfriend, perfect children, amazing clothes, and mouth watering meals? It has created narcissistic people obsessed with portraying a fake glimpse of who they really are. Honestly Beyonce, outside of you, who wakes up looking like anything other than a pubescent teenager? I am just as guilty as the next person in feeding into this unrealistic reality.

I have to stop and remind myself that no one’s life is as what it seems. We are all going through our own struggles no matter what our social media story says. We have to stop comparing and competing and just be happy with what our life looks like unfiltered. I hope to focus more on what’s happening in each and every moment rather than focusing on what moment will get the most "likes". I hope to be grateful, humble, and human and accept my flaws and insecurities while loving the strengths and beauty in others. At the end of the day, the truth is that real life has #nofilter…although if I could choose one for my own it would probably be Valencia. I want to try and make an effort to put down my phone and be more present, more engaged, and more involved with the time and experiences that are flying by. Who’s with me??

A Tribute to Gigi

Hello, blog. It’s been awhile! I always struggle with what I want the black hole of the internet to know about me. Nothing too personal, politically incorrect, or content that would put me at risk of losing my job will make the cut. But there are certain topics in my life (mostly just friends & family, hence below posts) that I want to share and feel passionate enough to write about. The idea of writing this post came to me in the shampoo aisle. I was in the process of smelling all the scents of the different shampoos trying to decide which to buy. I opened a bottle of Pert Plus and was instantly knocked over by memories from my childhood spent with my late grandmother, lovingly known as Gigi.

When I was about four or five years old, I had just returned from attending my very first wedding. It was a Friday, so per usual I was spending it with Gigi, my dad’s mom who lived less than a mile up the road.  We spent most of our Friday’s together when I was this age doing all sorts of things like running her dogs in the parking lot of Lead Mine Elementary, baking, going to see movies at the Six Forks theater, McDonald’s breakfast, or sitting around the kitchen table drinking black cows. On this particular Friday I was still star struck from the wedding I had attended the weekend before. Gigi was asking me all the details of the day. It wasn't until she asked me one specific question that I hesitated.

“Are you going to invite me to your wedding one day?” she asked. There was a long pause before I said, “I don’t think so.”

“Well why not, Katherine?”

“You’ll be D-E-D.”

I actually don’t even remember this moment, and I barely remember that wedding. But it wasn't a true visit with Gigi if she didn't tell this story at least once. She would throw her head back, clap her hands, and laugh her infamous laugh. Years later she told me that friends, neighbors, even her dentist would always ask how her granddaughter (the one that told her she would be D-E-D) was doing.

This story represents a lot of what I loved about my grandmother. She wasn’t easily offended by the harsh reality of life. She didn’t tip toe around feelings or beat around the bush to get to the point. She was real, honest, and tough. It wasn’t hard to figure out what she was thinking, because she always told you. She laughed easily and often. Judging from the story above, I think I adopted a lot of her personality very early on in my life.  

As I grew older, I found myself spending hours at her house just talking about life, hers and mine. She knew all of my friends, and they knew her. We have a tradition to honk whenever we drive by her house. A lot of my friends adopted that tradition without ever having met her.  After a college breakup I remember I was divulging all my heartbroken details trying not to cry because she would've told me to suck it up. She listened intently; it was probably the highlight of her day. Drama like that didn't come around all that often. She gave me some of the best wisdom and advice that I will take with me forever. Sure enough, living that advice set me on the right path.

 Looking back now I wish I would've written everything down. I wish I would've gone over for a visit when I couldn't find the time, or called her more often just to ask her about her day. But I am lucky because I get to cherish all the moments I did get to spend with her. I get to live out the advice that she was always giving, whether I wanted to hear it or not. A lot of people don’t live close to their grandparents or even really get to know who they are as people. I was lucky to call Gigi my friend. She loved me, listened, taught me, challenged me, guided me, and most importantly she changed me. She helped shape me into the woman that I am today.

I can’t write about Gigi without mentioning my Dad. I am an extension of him and he an extension of her. My dad gave up a huge part of his life to be by Gigi’s side. To tirelessly care for her, help her, keep her in good health, talk to her, and ensure she was never lonely. He saw her every day without fail and demonstrated what true unconditional love is. Dad, I wish my words could express how amazed I am at all the hard work and selflessness you have shown and continue to show. The world needs more dads, husbands, and sons like you.

A few weeks before Gigi passed she told me I better hurry up and get married so she could prove my four year old self wrong. I wish I was wrong. But I know she’s watching over all of her family and I will forever cherish all of the special moments that we shared together. 

In loving memory of Mary Jean Rafferty, aka "Gigi"

Thirty Years of Love

LOVE. It's something that everyone longs for, hopes for, dreams of and constantly has on their mind. We talk about it, we sing about it, create reality TV shows around it and think up ridiculous fantasy fairy tales in our mind about this feeling. Today, my parents celebrate thirty years of LOVE together. Although I have only been around for 22 of these years, I base my own definition of love around the examples they have shown me throughout those years. First, I feel so thankful and blessed that I have parents who can stay together in a world that makes it easy to fall apart. I can only imagine how much work that a marriage is, and I respect and greatly admire the love that continues to grow between my Mom and my Dad. It's more common to end a marriage than to fulfill the vows that you had originally made to one another because it's work and it's constantly threatened by temptation, money, and an easier way out.

My parents have shown me through their actions that love is the way someone makes you feel. It's the way someone can have the ability to change the way you view your own heart. I see their love in the little things. The way my mom bites her tongue when she knows that he's wrong. The way she lets him be angry and overreact even when he's being ridiculous. She lets him be. Although she nags him about things around the house, finances, or health, she just lets him be who he is completely. She adores his soul. If you know my Dad, you know he is quite the guy. It took me a long time to realize that he really is hilarious rather than completely embarrassing. My mom still laughs at his every joke, and she's (almost) always the one who's laughing the hardest. After these thirty years, she still thinks he's just as hilarious as the day that they met. My dad sees my mom as his sounding board, the one that is always constant and faithful. When he looks at her I can sense how much he loves her by a simple gesture or smile and his constant awareness of her wellbeing. He appreciates her kindness and her patience. He adores her for everything wonderful that she is.

I'm thankful that my parents have valued the sanctity of their marriage and created such a safe environment for my brothers and I to discover our own truths about love. They have shown us how to trust in others by trusting each other. They have shown us how to respect others by respecting each other. And they have shown us how to love others by loving each other. I'm obviously not an expert on the subject (in fact, given my track record I would say I have a lot of learning to do) but there is one verse that completely captures the foundations of love. This verse is heard so often, yet not comprehended enough.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 says: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So, to my parents...Here is to thirty years of marriage, three children, and a lot of hurdles along the way. Here's to praying to God that Dad doesn't have a second family in the Domincan Republic and that everything I just said is a complete load of BS, here is to love between the two of you, the love between our family, and of course, here's to thirty more....

Katiegirl

To My Girls

Okay, blog world..I caved. The idea of having a blog has been on my mind for over a year now. I had actually already created one my sophomore year of college, but then chickened out of ever typing out my thoughts for the Internet World to see. Although I haven't had the best luck with blogs in the past, I do love to write and am not normally the type of person who can hold my thoughts inside. I've had this blog made for about two weeks now, but I wasn't sure what my Very First Post (dun, dun, dunnnn) should be about.




This past weekend, I traveled to Wilmington where I celebrated the birth of two of my best friends Arielle and Jen with seven other of my besties. We hadn't been able to get everyone together in awhile and I literally left on a high because I was so happy I got to reconnect with everyone. Later this week, I was flipping through a Good Housekeeping when I stumbled upon this quote...


"A good friend is a connection to life - a key to sanity in a totally insane world." -Lois Wyse


To say that I am a blessed person is a complete understatement. Some days I feel overwhelmed by my blessings, like I could never give enough thanks to the One who has provided me with so much wonderful. Among the millions of things I have to be thankful for, lies the group of my best friends, the strongest group of friendships I have ever seen or known. People always say that we are a special group because we have stuck together since high school..through the good, the easy, the fun, the crazy, the bad, the ugly, the hard, and lots and lots of change. To me, every friendship is different, unique in it's own way. Each relationship fulfills a different need in all of us. You have the friend that will always make you laugh, the friend that always likes to have a good time, the friend that you always find yourself in a deep conversation with, the friend that just understands your soul, or the 45 year old best friend whose wisdom has shaped you into who you are. After this weekend, I realized that friendships are so easy to take for granted. Expected, almost, in this unstable world. I feel like I get so caught up in the day-to-day that I fail to realize how unbelievably special my friends are. 


So, to my girls, I say this...
Thank you for being the foundation of my heart on which I can build everything else upon. Without you, I would not be me. You encourage and inspire me to be the best Kate that I can be. You are my support system. You put me back together when I have become undone. You each hold such a special place in my heart, and without each of you it would be broken. You know who I am and accept me for that, which I am eternally grateful for. Through all these years of drama, boyfriends, breakups, makeups, finding ourselves and losing ourselves, petty fights, and deep talks, drinking too much, and making mistakes, I am so thankful for it all, every moment and every memory. You are my connection to life. You are the key to my sanity in this completely insane world. I love you.